the mind of a self-proclaimed كنداكة

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Entry #12: the fat, black woman

This is a voiceover introduction I did for a presentation on Grace Nichols’s “The Fat Black Woman’s Poems”. I used lines and stanzas from poems by Maya Angelou, Langston Hughes and Warsan Shire, merged and edited them as well as added to them for artistic purposes.

Inferiority Complex. It makes us feel that in order to be someone special we have to put everyone else beneath us. Are we so insecure in ourselves that we can’t feel good until we pull someone else down?

For instance the negro.

Sweet and docile,
Meek, humble, and kind:
Beware the day
They change their minds!
Written down in history
With bitter, twisted lies,
Treaded on in the very dirt
But still, like dust, the negro rises.

They should no longer be apologetic for their blackness. They should be respected in all their blackness. Because they deserve to be.

And the woman.
An objectified human.
A belittled person.

It’s not her responsibility to be beautiful. She is not alive for that purpose. Her existence is not about how desirable you find her.

You should understand
Just why her head’s not bowed.
She doesn’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see her passing
It ought to make you proud.
She says,
It’s in the click of her heels,
The bend of her hair,
the palm of her hand,
The need of her care,
‘Cause she’s a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s her.

She should no longer be apologetic for my femininity. She should be respected in all her femaleness. Because she deserves to be.


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Entry #11: i dont know what to do or say

They tell you your first love is one you’ll never forget, but they don’t teach you how to deal with the heartbreak when it ends. As if it weren’t obvious, I’m having a hard time coping with my first break-up. Sometimes the right thing to do feels extremely awful and hurts like hell. But c’est la vie, I guess.

This is for all the fellow broken-hearted people.

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Entry #10: A heart that is too heavy to bear

The horrific things happening in the world right now, the U.K., Afghanistan, the GCC, South Sudan, Yemen and more, just wow. My heart is so so heavy. Hearing Philando Castile’s murderer has been acquitted was the final straw. Don’t you ever tell me that institutionalized racism doesn’t exist. Don’t ever tell me that black lives hold the same value as white lives. Don’t you EVER tell the Black Lives Matter supporters that it should be All Lives Matter because we don’t owe you a lesson on slavery (which deadass still exists) and the comparative worth of black lives. Black people will never know peace, ever. I just want to know, when I move to the US will I have to continually explain my worth and justify why I deserve to exist? Will I have to shield myself and make sure I don’t look suspicious (whatever the hell that means) so that I don’t get shot for being black? Tell me, when is it going to end? When are black people going to be able to breathe and live? “All men were created equal” suuuuure. It’s messed up to the very core when blatant homicide isn’t punished. Black people will never be safe anywhere.

I lost all hope in everything. Last year, when I met the British ambassador to the UN, I asked what is being done to help Sudan. He told me lots is being done but they have more pressing issues. I understand there’s a lot on your plate but no particular UN effort has been successful recently in my opinion. You tell me we just don’t matter as much, I bite my tongue and hope that your efforts elsewhere are working. But they’re not.

I’ve been avoiding talking about politics and social justice recently because I feel absolutely helpless and angry. The world we live in is gradually getting worse and no amount of countering we can do will ever be enough. I’m tired, you’re tired, everyone’s tired. I can’t even properly articulate myself anymore because all that comes out is anger and tears. I’m completely over it. But I will embody the angry black woman trope until my dying breath. Solange Knowles simply and eloquently sang, “There’s a lot to be mad about.” No truer words have been spoken. I cannot rest with a mind buzzing like this. I cannot rest with a soul that is THIS heavy. I cannot rest until we all know what peace is. As we’re not able-bodied middle class white cisgender heterosexual men, we’ll never know peace. To everyone who has ever been oppressed by the system or screwed over by a tragedy, my heart and soul are always with you. I’m always behind you. Until then, we need to find a strength to fight everything that’s thrown our way. I love you, always and forever. All I can say for now is rest in power, Philando Castile. You deserved better. Black people deserve better. The world deserves better. #nojusticenopeace